Monogamy & Chivalry... have died

I'm getting myself so wound up recently, observing people and their relationships or their life choices, it's actually knocking me a bit sick if i'm completely honest. I can honestly say I don't know a single couple at the moment that are 100% monogamous, and it's such a sad thought. People just have this constant need for other peoples attention, so they flirt with others and kiss/touch/sleep with other people behind their partners back, and it's horrifying. It's genuinely really put me off going near anyone at all. Yes, I understand not everyone's like that and it's not fair to say it's just guys or girls, but obviously I experience it with guys because i'm sexually attracted to guys, so I'm not going to get fed up with girls for it, am i? Anyway, back to my point, I don't even want to bother with anyone because it's all on the same pattern. Every guy is an opportunist and i'm 90% sure that whatever they say to me, they've said or are saying to three other girls. I'm increasingly beginning to believe i'm just strange in the sense that it takes a lot for me to like someone, and when I do I only wish to spend time with/kiss/talk to them in that way, no one else. Everyone else seems to be going through people like they're going out of fashion, and I'm stumped on what to make of it at all. I watched a girl in a club go from one guy to another for about an hour the other week, and she was eating the face of all of them in plain view. Now, either they all laughed it off and gave her a reputation or she successfully caused tension between people, because she can't keep her tongue in her own mouth. Sorry, that was a mini rant.

It really pisses me off when girls use specific guys to flirt with to make themselves look like they get attention, it honestly pisses me off. All the bitchy little tactics that seem to be in a 'how to make his life hell' catalogue somewhere, accessible for all female kind, come well out of the woodwork and show themselves. I hate all of them, wanting and flirting with your ex because he has a new love interest, being all over a guy friend just because someone you had a fling is in view, flirting HORRENDOUSLY with someone because you don't like the person they're interested in, etc. They are all pathetic and ridiculous and just plain horrible. Why is it intrinsic for people to be dickheads? Everyone does it, I don't do it in that sense though. I'm one of those who pretends they don't care, and just gets over it on my own. I'm not a fan of obstructing true love (ha!) or anything like that, end of the day opportunity does not knock twice, you tried it, it didn't work out, move on. Don't then spend your time pretending you want to be in the other room of a club, just to attempt to make someone who, quite frankly probably doesn't give a fuck and just thinks you're stupid, jealous for all of five minutes.

And don't get me started on guys...

You meet a guy, he seems ace, he's charming, attractive and single.. score. No, not at all, not in this day and age! Chances are he has a reputation, sleeps with A LOT of people or is seeing someone and keeping it quiet so they can pursue more sexual encounters. I've seen it all too much before and it's insulting. I hate it when guys who have girlfriends and claim to love them start flirting with me, its disrespectful. It's even more hilarious when they get touchy because you remind them they have a girlfriend and you don't flirt back, that's a classic move. It's not a compliment if a guy with a girlfriend flirts with you, in fact i'd take it more as an insult because they're viewing you as something to do behind their girlfriends back. You're never going to mean anything to them, you're never going to become their girlfriend and on the off chance you do, he'll be doing it behind your back instead. If you want to sleep with many people or have the freedom to then why not just be 100% single? I don't get it. Is it fun to hurt people and cheat and lie? If so, i'm massively missing out. Now i'm not saying all guys are like this, but it seems the ones i'm attracted to are very similar to this. Suddenly interested again because they have a girlfriend and don't want to lose you as a flirt or whatever. I also don't like it when people tell me to give a guy a chance, i'm sorry no, i'm not attracted to him, simple. I wouldn't expect someone to pursue me if they didn't find me attractive, so kindly don't force that on me thanks. Maybe, i just have shit taste, but it's my taste all the same and I'm not going to pretend to like some guy just because he's a 'nice guy'. I don't care for it, confidence is sexy, so is a bit of charm and a bit of tact, and yes this may all point to a player or whatever, but shit happens. I may not be happy about it, but I enjoy certain attributes. I wouldn't say i'm ridiculously picky, I'm just not into everyone.

Also, when THE FUCK did it become appropriate to ask a girl who you barely know how they have their pubic hair?! Or to say things such as 'I bet you're really good in bed'. Excuse me, NO. Why don't you try showing me some respect? Flirting is one thing, but that's just crude, and it says to me you don't think much of me as a person. Basically, do not objectify me. I am not a piece of meat for you to utilise to your best ability, I am a PERSON. I have favourite colours, favourite films, a sense of humour and preferences of my own, therefore do NOT say such things like 'i'd love to see you naked' or 'i'm really good with my tongue'. I do not care. All you say to me is you're just a sex obsessed male. And the funny thing is, some of these 'nice guys' have said such crude things to me... bit of a contrast, anyone?

Maybe I am strange, maybe my taste is bad or weird, but you can't really call me for wanting a bit of respect and someone to treat me like a person who actually matters, can you? Sex is great, we all love it, it's a brilliant pass time but I won't just jump into bed with any old casanova who thinks he can pull the moves on any girl he chooses, as sex is also about being close to one another and being honest and experimental, exploring your body with someone elses, and no i'm not saying it's 'making love' at all. Wild sex, rough sex, passionate sex, intimate sex... they're all good but I don't believe you can get the full benefit if you go from one partner to the next throwing yourself at them (thats you ladies) or trying DESPERATELY to get into their knickers (and yes guys, i mean desperate).

So, Anyone up for a fuck?

¬.¬

Bad person or bad actions?

Can someone really be a good person? Or a bad person? Or are there just choices you make, actions you perform, which determine what you are?

And if so, can you change by simply changing the choices you make, or is it programmed into you to make bad choices or good ones?

People say people change, others say they don't. I'm torn. On the surface, I'd say people won't change unless something drastic happens, like moving to a completely new way of life, or losing something important, or cheating death, you know, newsworthy stuff. But having said that, I've noticed a few changes in some people recently, and it has surprised me BUT... i'm not convinced they're permanent changes. I just don't think there's anything that can intercept the biological programming in your brain that defines which path you take.

Some people are destined to make the right choices, succeed and then be as happy as larry. Others, not so much.

Have you ever got that feeling when you know you're setting yourself up for something bad to happen, yet you go ahead with it anyway? And then you still end up surprised when it all falls down, and you end up as hurt as you would be if you didn't expect it. I guess that's the thing people refer to as 'hope'. The hope that it won't all crumble down, and the hope that for once things might just work out and give you that bit of happiness, even just for a short while.

I'm one of those people who expects things to crash and burn, nothing lasts forever, happiness is a state of mind affected by factors which are always in a state of flux, therefore you can never be properly happy for a long time as there's too much change going on for it to remain consistent. There's no such thing as an inconsistent consistency, it just doesn't work. I'm not say happiness doesn't exist, i'm not a pessimist, I just think you can't be permanently happy, as things enforce themselves on you to test your emotions daily, so you can't always walk around with a big genuine grin, as it's impossible to be that way. People who are always happy worry me, as it's not possible to be happy all the time, they seem like they're setting themselves up for a breakdown as they don't allow any negative emotions to flow.

So back to the point, can you truly be a bad person? Even bad people can do good things, so does that make them better, even good? Is it such a simplistic belief to think that there are only negative and positive actions, and a person is like a set of scales. The more bad actions, the more it tilts left, the more good, the more it tilts right. If someone grew up being good and then decided to make a hell of a lot of bad decisions, why are they seen as misguided and off the rails rather than downright bad? Whereas someone in the opposite position is seen as suspicious and dishonest for their sudden change, although both have the potential to do the same things?

Have you ever really thought about the choices and actions you have performed and thought wow, i'm not that nice of a person? Like really sat there and scrutinised your life from point A, and realised that maybe you're not so nice? Maybe you're not so honest? Maybe you're not as loyal as you thought? It's almost scary to think of it like that. I strongly believe there is no one in the world who hasn't made a bad choice, or been selfish and hurt someone for their own good, some more than others granted, but still... no one can be completely tilted to the good side.

Perhaps being selfish isn't that bad, after all you'll always be there for you, whereas you cannot guarantee anyone else will. Sad thought? Yes. Pessimistic? No, i prefer the term realistic. A very intelligent friend of mine said to me, I prefer the phrase

'Expect the worst, but hope for the best'.

He said it's not blind optimism but it's not miserable pessimism either, and it makes a lot of sense when you think about it.

So i'll leave that as the closing statement, and continue to ponder about the good, the bad, and the downright scary...

Girls and Clothes...

Right, so this is mainly aimed at myself more than anyone else, but I have seen it amongst lots of my female friends.

So, for starters, how come your clothes manage to get ALL over your room? Like, honestly how the hell do they manage to be thrown everywhere, as if a small explosion went off in Primark or something similar. It takes FOREVER to pick up my clothes off the floor, and when you think you've got them all there's some ridiculous excuse of a sock or tiny top hiding away and you're like ¬.¬ come on!

I'm currently in the process of tidying up and I had to stop because I swear to god my clothes have multiplied on their own, it's creepy 0.o

I've put pretty much all of my clothes away as I can remember, and still there's more? It's ridiculous.

I wonder if guys have this problem... I've never seen it, mind you they may tidy up before I come over so you never know.

Anyway, secondly, with all these endless clothes why the hell can I never find something I really want to wear? Everything doesn't look right and I complain and end up wearing something for the sake of it, and then wonder why it takes so long to decide considering I have a ridiculous wardrobe to choose from :/

I just annoy myself really. Underwears absolutely fine, always matching or presentable but what the hell does that matter? no ones going to see it!

Ahh, I'll do anything but tidy up, and even worse after this I have to do my washing...

*moan moan moan*

Tips on How To Get 'That' Girl! Obsessive guys guide

Psychotic? Needy? Insecure?

Then this blog could be for YOU!

So you know that girl you really like? You know the one, hangs out with you, tells you where she's going out, confides all her boy troubles in you? This blog is to help you make her yours!

Because after all, She's clearly interested, right?

So, she hangs out with you, but never makes a move. Well what are you waiting for?! She wants you to pounce on her like a lion on a zebra! She's just playing hard to get by emphasising you're just friends. I mean come on, who wouldn't be interested in a guy who's going to watch your every move? Go for it! You jump on her! She never has to worry about getting into trouble because you'll be there for her! Whether she knows it or not, You know her number off by heart anyway, even if she doesn't know you have it she'll thank you for the unexpected text confessing your undying love for her!

What girl doesn't want a guy to fall head over heels for her and remind her of it every half an hour? You're not the reason you haven't got a girlfriend, they are. After all, the last few called it off because you were 'too nice' so surely it's not you who's at fault, they just weren't ready for an awesome relationship.

Secondly, she tells you where's she's going on nights out.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? YOU GO THERE TOO, RIGHT NOW!

She's only telling you so you'll turn up unannounced, she'll think it's sweet and romantic. She's only kidding when she tells you it's stalker-type behaviour, you know the playground rules, insult the one you fancy and all that. Get in there. There's nothing that says 'I care for you deeply' more than crashing her nights out. If she looks horrified she's just thinking about how stupid she is to not be with you yet ;)

Remember though, you don't have to talk to anyone else, just her. Follow her around and text her even though you're standing right next to her, she'll think it's sweet and thoughtful, forget all these other guys who say play it cool, they obviously don't know what they're talking about, even if they have had a girlfriend for 2 years...

Thirdly, the boy troubles. You're always there to lend an ear when Tom lets her down, or Ben leaves her for her best friend, but it's not a caring friend she wants, she's telling you these things as subtle hints! She wants YOU, not the guy she tells you she's interested in! She's dropping hints on what kind of guy she wants to be with so you can take note and be perfect for her.

After all you already know her favourite movie, song, band, place to hang out, clothes store, underwear store, coffee shop, food, sweets, shoes, animal, colour....

How could you go wrong?

If she tells you to leave her alone or to go away, DON'T LISTEN TO IT!

Stay and fight your corner, the ladies LOVE a guy with passion and fire to him, so if you scream that you won't leave things like this and that you love her, she'll be like putty in your hands. A girl loves a guy with mood swings, after all you can't get more spontaneous than a random show of anger every now and again, right? Oh, and remember to confide you're undying love and steely strong feelings in everyone who's close to her, so she knows you care enough to get on with her friends. Girls love it when their friend knows everything you've ever said to each other, it gives them more opportunity for her to talk about how much she really wants you, Because let's face it, what else would she have to talk about? She may not have told you yet, but again she's playing hard to get.

So guys, if this is a situation you're in, then these are just a few handy tips on how to get the girl you're obsessing over.

Remember, stalking's only illegal if you get caught ;)

Daring or Stupid..?

Can people change? If someone suddenly changes their ways have they become a better person or are they simply hiding it better? I understand everyone makes mistakes, it's natural and we are only human, temptation is a strong thing and it's a very easy thing to be lured by. ESPECIALLY when it comes to people you have feelings for. Whenever I seem to have strong feelings for someone, they never really go away. There's two I can think of, and my heart still pines for them. I still think about them a lot, although I shouldn't, and I hate it. That being said, I didn't love them but I think there was a chance to, until it all came crashing down.

So do people change? If someone fucks you over, plays you and treats you as a peice of meat and then claims to be different now, is it cruel to discard that possibility or stupid to believe it? I personally think it's stupid to believe them. They say once a cheat, always a cheat and player for life and all these so called phrases, and there's no smoke without fire.

Is it worth giving someone a chance if they've hurt you not once, but twice before? I feel like if I do i'm going to look like an idiot once again and kick myself when it all comes crashing down again and the worst part is I know that inside my mind will say 'I told you so'. And I am my worst enemy, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I don't think people do change, not as drastically as they claim anyway. I believe change is gradual, and if someone messes you about 3 months previous, they're pretty much definately going to do it again.

Perhaps it's true what people tell me, perhaps I am a massive pessimist, but at the same time I'd rather think the worst and be proven wrong than expect the best and be let down. I've done that too many times, so If I keep myself away from someone I have feelings for, it's better in the long run as I don't want to be tied down and I am terrified of the thought that someone could have the potential to break my heart. I can't deal with the fact that someday, someone may have the biggest hold on me and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm not scared of being happy, i'm just scared of losing control over what can happen to my feelings. I'd rather bottle them away and leave them to die, or at least fade to nearly nothing, than to open up to someone. As I think they're only going to hurt me in the end, or even worse I'll freak out and hurt them. Self sabotage is a thing I seem to do on a mild scale, it's not a nice thing. I'm suspicious of people's motives, I wonder why they choose me out of thousands of others. I want to know why they like me, why they want to meet me and all other things. I suppose it could be called paranoia, and it's not pretty but I just hate the thought that I could one day let the wrong person in, again, and end up stood there with nothing, not even my own heart.

I don't think someone will change their ways, not until they meet the right person and then it's a natural change. Some people will never change, and it's a sad tale to think like that but it's also very true. I include myself in this category, I can't see myself opening the door, especially not any time soon. I get told i've just not met the right person, but maybe I don't want to. How do I know who's right? I can't base it on my feelings, obviously, as they've been wrong before. There's no explosion of hearts and smiles like in an anime, much as I wish there could be. All in all, I don't think change comes quickly, and I certainly don't think taking a risk on someone who's hurt you is the right thing to do, definately not for me anyway. They're only going to mess me around and hurt me again, even if they don't know they're doing so.

It terrifies me, and I'm not afraid to admit that. Which is almost ironic.

Keyboard warriors & Anonymous Jokers :')

So, i've got a formspring, as a lot of us have. And I was just finding it funny reading comments that people get, which are nasty. It's like oh shit, i've got a chance to have some IMAGINARY balls, I'm gonna call this girl ugly. I'm going to say this guys an idiot and a stuck up prick, and I'm just generally going to cause trouble because i'm a proper little keyboard warrior.

It amuses me, I feel bad for the people who got it, because it's nasty as you will NEVER know who it is and no ones going to admit it, if they're going to anonymous in the first place then they're not going to be like 'it was meeeeeeeeeee lol kthnx'.

I got threatened on formspring, apparently i'm a filthy dog and ugly and all this and need to stay away from someones boyfriend... now, may I add I have no love interest in anyone at the moment and If I ever did have an interest in someone who was with someone, I would never say anything or act on it, at all. It's disrespectful and cruel, I've been in the position where i've been cheated on before and it's not a nice feeling. But anyway, so this random girl has said she's remaning anonymous because 'when i break your nose it'll be a nice shock'. Oh, okay. Right, but I'm guessing from your previous shows of bravery you'll arrive in a ninja suit, right? Or maybe even get your friend, or even better... your sister to do it. Yup, you're really scaring me, I'm shaking my socks off, no really.

So anyway, after I had a good long chuckle about the 'question' I deleted it, as if this person is passionate enough to defend her boyfriend, who I've not got a clue about who he is, then surely she can do it in person? You know, at least send a facebook message off HIS account, or even your own. Mind you, then you wouldn't be a keyboard warrior right? ha.
So there's a few reasons she's remained anonymous, of course aside from the shock of me getting my nose broken (may i add, BRING IT?)

So, one reason could be she's got a track record of being a jealous, over the top cow and her boyfriends sick of her outbursts, so she's going to sneakily jeopardise any friendship he may have with a girl or anyone he's met that may piss her off or be a threat. OR.. she's incapable of acting on her threats and knows full well she can't act on her words, a classic case of all bark, no bite. I personally have no bark, and a pretty nasty bite, which I never really need to use. Best way, I think. Anyway, so yeah, she could just be a cowardly little wench who's scared of the consequences of her own words, which I think is the most likely reason. OR.. the guy in question may not even be her boyfriend, now THAT would amuse me beyond any other explanation!

More to the point though, if i'm such a filthy dog slut bitch who's ugly... then... why are you threatened? Even if I was trying to smuggle your boyfriend off you, if what you say is true, tried and tested, then why waste your time? Why not just laugh at me behind my back with your boyfriend? Oh yeah, right. Because you ARE threatened, and you are ridiculously insecure. I get it now. You must be a catch, really.

You clearly trust your boyfriend beyond necessary and you're clearly secure about yourself and your relationship, that's why your spending time making empty threats which are backed by no evidence than your own paranoid mind reading too far into things. I'm sure how are you could be misinterpreted as something sinister in your warped mind.

The best part? I didn't reply, and deleted it, as someone with no spine does not deserve my time (hey, i rhymed!) and she then sent another question... ready?

'not gona reply shit bag?'

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
That was for your really good use of grammar and utilisation of the english language, kudos for you! And then this 'BAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHA' is for the fact that you are calling me a shit bag, a bag of shit, for not replying to you... not replying to your ANONYMOUS threat. So as I didn't reply to your anonymous cocky self, i'm the shit bag. Alright. That figures! :]

I'm not discouraging you from sending me these things by the way, they brighten my day, well, what spare time I have left after i've been being a filthy slut and an ugly dog all at once of course, as well as hiding away being a shit bag.

Woof, anyone? ;)

Fickle... or got issues?

I've always been suspicious about certain types of people, one type is the type where they tell you everything there is to know about them within the first conversation including any health issues, relationship issues, who they hate, love, who's a prick, what boyfriend did what, what girlfriend did what, etc. I just don't think it's right. Perhaps that's just because I'm very sheltered in what I tell people and what I say around others, very wary. Not paranoid, but I only fully trust myself and to me there's no such thing as a shared secret. I will never tell anyone anything without expecting someone else to find out, and this is probably another reason why I don't get too much hassle and in a million confrontations a week. I also don't blow up over tiny things and force my opinions down others throats, usually I keep it to myself if anything :/ I just don't think people who literally verbally throw up their entire life are right, why do I need to know so much about you? Why are you overwhelming me with the gorey, irrelevant and frankly weird details of your life? You have only just met me.

I understand some people feel they can trust me and that's fine, I never repeat what I'm told unless prompted to by that person and I pretend to forget secrets as it's not my place to share them with anyone, again unless prompted to by that person. Anyway, I know I'm trustworthy, that is one thing I can say out loud and fully believe, but usually trust comes with knowing someone for a while and talking to them, not from being introduced to someone on a night out and spewing everything on to them. And how unfair? I don't know what can and can't be repeated, i don't have a clue why you're sharing this information and to be honest I just want to go to the bar and avoid you thanks.


A massive annoyance of mine is people who flit from relationship to relationship, and love who their with in less than a month. I mean come on, really? You don't know them, they don't know you, you've just got together and yes everythings sweet and dandy now, but god knows what's going to happen. Either you don't understand love, as I believe it has to develop, or you just fall for people once every other month... which I find ridiculous. A friend of mine was sharing his heartbreak over the girl he loved and cared for, and he really seemed in a badway. I felt bad for him.. then all of a sudden he's with another girl, and in love with her, in less than two months? They've not even been together a month, I mean come on, really?

Another guy I know was telling me how we'd be great together and we should meet up, he's messed me about before and got back with his ex-girlfriend, so I should of known he was a liar, but I actually believed he was sorry and said perhaps we can try being mates and whatever, he still pursued and I was like right well maybe a drink won't hurt, and now he's with a girl who's apparently 'changed' him and made him stop and think wow she's the one, in less than a week. So yeah, I'd love to know what indepth crazy issues that they have, and all people who move on so quickly. Is it a constant string of rebounds? Yes, I know it's not nice when you've broken up with someone and it's lonely and strange, but that doesn't mean that getting on someone else will help, it's like a fire you're just adding to it. I don't like it when I see people doing this day in and day out, it's not normal really.

I'm not saying we should all be swans and mate for life, then never ever get with anyone else, i've been tempted by rebounds but I stop for a second and think no, it's not right dragging someone into the mess my heads in right now, as even if they are willing to be in that strange place, it's not right and i'll feel bad, and they'll feel awful if they develop feelings. Facebook is the prime place for seeing this happening, a couple get together and yeah, it's all well and good thinking they're amazing, but saying you love them in a status update every ten minutes for a week isn't really the way to go. It's actually painful watching peoples relationship statuses, the ones who do this anyway, as you can literally start to predict who they'll get with, when, how quickly they'll 'love' them and then when they'll breakup. It's amusing in a way, but painful more than anything.

I think my relationship status has changed 3 times on facebook, if that? And they were boyfriends who I got with, never put stupid lovey dovey statuses about them and then if we broke up, we broke up. I didn't IMMEDIATELY find a replacement body for them as you've gotta be lacking something to be able to do that so smoothly, without anytime for yourself. After a breakup I call it a 'mourning period'. Even if you didn't like them that much, weren't together long or you instigated the breakup, it still feels shit and I think there's a period time you need to leave it before you even think of getting with someone else, especially if things are in limbo with your previous partner as they sometimes are. I think the absolute minimum is 3 weeks, and even thats pushing it in my opinion. I think it's out of respect and loyalty for me, even when I got cheated on I took a long time for myself without being involved with anyone, as I think people need that time. Helps you clear your head to what you actually want, or what you don't want.

Maybe these people are just fickle, and i'm not going to lie I sometimes feel a bit jealous that they can move so quickly without any bad feeling, but everyone hides things, so I'd hate to see the minefield they've caused in their head. I'd love to not be as deep as I am and be able to get with people willy nilly, but I seem to be too picky and yes, I have slight issues with commitment, but who doesn't? I think throwing your entire being at someone is ridiculous, I think people should have their own lives away from each other and I think that there should be some mystery and excitement regardless of how long you've been together. It's just a shame that some people can't deal with having seperate lies due to jealousy or the need to feel wanted all the time. I don't expect too much from a relationship but I've decided recently I don't need to settle, if somethings not working then leave it as that. I'm not 50 and it's not a marriage, I don't have kids and a mortgage to consider, so if I want to be single and take things as they come, I can do. I have no ties right now, and any ties I make I would like to enjoy, so therefore I will not get with every tom, theresa and harry just because it's accessible.
I'm not waiting for my one true love, but I sure as hell am not going to settle for a flitter. Everyone likes a cuddle, but when it's done all the time it becomes smothering..

Dreams... Do they really have meaning?

I have extremely vivid dreams, sometimes too real. I also have this thing I call sleep hallucinations, it's funny afterwards but I often feel an overwhelming emotion at the time like utter fear, confusion or sadness. Basically I wake up, I'm fully awake but I can see something that's not there, I know this as it's happened when I've been in bed with boyfriends before, never friends for some reason, I guess it will happen at some point. Anyway, so I see something that's there to me but no one else, and react to it, from it being something on the wall that I'm convinced is going to harm me, to a spider in my bed that I want to safe so I don't squish, I've had all sorts. They've only come about recently, but having that being said I've had weird experiences of seeing things when I was younger so maybe I just didn't comprehend what was going on, who knows.

It doesn't really effect my sleep or leave me exhausted because the occurences are so few and far between, and I've not managed to correlate what mood I am, or whether i'm under pressure or not but saying that i've not tried to. So anyway back to my point, my vivid dreams.
A lot of my dreams reflect something I'm feeling or something i'm afraid of, or something I'm happy about. I guess I can only give you a couple of examples really. I always seem to wake feeling confused or contemplative, and as weird as it sounds some of my dreams have actually helped me figure out what to do about some things, but yeah, they're not always good and merry. Sometimes they terrify me, and it's horrible. Anyway, on to the examples

Shark Dream
I had a dream where I was in a big round cyclindrical room that was metal plated, and my my was stood in a doorway right at the top of the room. My pet dog and sister were in the bottom with me, and out of nowhere the room started filling up with water and I was swimming with my dog and my sister in my arms desperately trying to save them. There was a weird hollowed out cabinet in the wall so I put them in that and closed the sliding metal door to keep them safe, then out of nowhere these three sharks started swimming in the water filled room and I had no way of escape from them. My mum saw this and threw me a short, rather blunt rusty blade to aid me, and I spent the next however long swimming with and decapitating these angry sharks, but not for fear of losing my own life, for fear of my sister and dog not being able to survive if I didn't come back for them. So anyway after me tracking down and killing these sharks with what seemed like an impossible blade, I went to rescue my sister and dog and threw them up to my mum, at which point the water level lowered and I remained stuck in the bottom of this strange room, yet I wasn't scared or upset, I was content as I knew they were safe. I didn't get out of the room before I woke up, nor did I attempt to.

So, that was one which left me rather confused. I was trying to figure out if there was a threat shadowing either my sister or my dog, that I was aware of or suspicious of, but I couldn't find a link between the two. Now, in the dream meaning dictionaries I've read they all say that water can represent overwhelming emotions and your unconcious and sharks can be a representation of unpleasant emotions or difficult, painful material coming up from the unconscious. Another meaning is that sharks can mean you may be an emotional threat to yourself and others, and they can represent anger, hostility and fierceness within yourself. Now all these linked just tell me that I'm dangerous, and with my dream not only do I want people I care about away from the sharks, but also away from me. Another thing I thought is I killed the sharks, stopped them from hurting me or anyone else, but then I stayed there thinking? I don't know anyway, I just know I was confused and dumbfounded, but that's not to say I didn't enjoy it. I told my mum and her reaction was to reflect negatively on herself by saying 'I'm no help, with that rubbish blade' which I thought was strange, because she gave me something to protect myself and others with, no matter how 'rubbish' it looked, it still worked.

Anyway yeah, I've been having an increase in strange dreams recently, the past 4 nights to be precise. I won't write them down as I'd like to ponder on them a while first, I had a rather strange one i've shared with a few people at the moment, and they just looked shocked and confused, haha. It was involving a threat to my pet tarantulas and python, which I understand not many people understand how I can care and be so involved with them, but you know, I am.

I've been told by several people that dreams mean nothing, but I don't see it that way. I think some dreams mean nothing, yes. Like when I had a dream I just went for a walk around town, that didn't have any moral substance or any indepth hidden meaning (or maybe it did, haha) but then there's dreams where you take a course of action and things happen, things which directly reflect to your waking life. I don't think that people should get too hung up but I do believe that dreams are a way of your subconscious helping you to deal with and tackle difficult elements in your life, and sometimes the only time you will listen to something is when you're not listening at all. We can all be ignorant and oblivious, it's natural to be so. So perhaps it's a way for your sleeping mind to say 'hey, this needs a bit of thought' without you having to spend sleepless nights and distracted days worrying over something.

I personally enjoy my dreams, whether they leave me scared, confused or just a bit contemplative, i'd miss them if they were gone. They fill up my nights with excitement that I've not necessarily got time for in the day, and I thank my mind for helping me (sometimes).

I would find it interesting to get my dreams analysed but at the same time I think people can delve much much too deeply into things and spoil them, and I enjoy the element of mystery, it's like having to solve a puzzle in a game, except you don't have to and won't die if you don't figure it out.
So, I wonder what I'll experience tonight? :)

If you've got the money, honey...

Again, i've been doing my typical observing and pondering on things. Mainly relationships that are based on completely superficial or material things.
I could never be with someone purely for the way they look or because they buy me things or spend a lot of money to show me how they care, because in my opinion that's not an accurate way of showing your affection. Yes, it is nice to get flowers or a teddy off someone you care for, it's kind of like a memento of them, constant reminder, which can be a good or bad thing, but it's also nice because everytime you look at it you will think of them. Obviously this isn't excellent if you have a bad breakup with someone or whatever, but i'm talking when you're with someone at the moment.

I personally think it's better to show your affection by getting to know someone and doing something thoughtful and special to them, like making them a birthday card with a pikachu on it (which a very good friend of mine did for me, thankyouuuu) because you know they like pokemon, or making them a compilation CD of their favourite songs, just... things that require some thought and care into them, and of course you need to know someone more than their hair colour and bra size.

Anyway, I was in a situation a while ago when someone who I went out with in high school met up with me out of the blue and told me he had strong feelings for me and that he would kick himself if we didn't try again. So, we spent time together, kissed and were coupley and generally were together... then I found out he had a girlfriend. From his friend. I blew up at him and refused to do anything with him, he kept telling me he'd leave her and break up with her, I basically ended up telling him to stay out of my life, for a long time. Anyway, one of his friends said something to me which I did not like at all.

"You really think he's going to leave her for you? Yeah, he has strong feelings for you but she cooks for him and buys him anything he wants out of the blue, she pays for everything for him, he's got it too good to walk away from it".

Now THAT hurt.. A lot. The fact that someone would pick materialistic reasons over their actual feelings was a concept I could not understand at all, I just didn't get it. And I was reminded of this recently, as I understand that some people like to shower their beloved with gifts and I know some girls love this, but all the time, with that being the only reason you're with them? I don't think you're right in the head personally. I had another reminder recently as I asked someone if their friend would ever leave their girlfriend or argue with her, and he replied "why would he? he's got it too good. She's rich."

Now I understand again financial security is a nice thing to have and it's good to be able to get buy and have a bit of money to play with but again, the sole reason for being with someone is money? It must be a very lonely life for some people. I would never be with someone for their money, not even if I did like them as well. That is NOT a factor that determines whether or not I like someone, I base my feelings on whether we connect, are compatible, have a similar sense of humour, enjoy similar things and most of all enjoy each others company. At the end of it all, when money runs out, and when peoples good looks fade, there's going to be nothing holding you together, you'll just be sat there staring at a person you don't know wondering what the hell you've wasted your life doing with this person. By that point it'll be too late to change it as well, comfort zone will have kicked in and you won't want to be lonely even though that's the life you'd be choosing if you pick superficial, material relationships.

I don't think every relationship needs to be serious and have more meaning than a shakespearian sonnet, but I think it's important to like someone for them not what car they drive, or what brands of clothing they wear.

"A kiss on the hand can be quite continental, but Diamonds are a girls best friend..."

I understand that material things last longer than some relationships and I suppose some people who are predators and out for what they can get do well for themselves, you can't say a gold digger doesn't have a luscious lifestyle when she hooks up to an old dude, but is it really worth it to be shacked up to Granpa Goldbags when you could be in the arms of someone who you love and who loves you for you? I'd pick love over money anyday, and I'm not even a keen believer or pursuer of love, so that's saying something really isn't it?

I do get jealous when I see a happy couple, i'm not going to lie, I wish I could be as content with another person as they are, and regardless of the cracks that can be in some peoples relationships, they are there, snuggling up and kissing one another as if they don't have a care in the world, and those are the moments money can't buy. Like the moment when you've expressed how you feel towards someone and you're lay there in their arms, feeling completely whole like nothing in the world can bring you down. These are the moments that you'll remember when the cash flow grows low and the gold loses its once so appealing shine.

Now, aside from gold diggers and the people who marry into money for whatever reasons they claim to have, i've been seeing it a lot amongst people my age and younger. Why the hell do you want to spend your 'carefree' years pursuing 'love' for a material cause? I think you need your head testing. You shouldn't be worrying about someones credit rating and bank account at 18 years of age, you should be worrying about whether you like them and wish to spend time with them.

I can't say I don't appreciate a little something now and again, and I like to give gifts, like with my recent ex-boyfriend (we recently ended) we had a fight and I bought him the aftershave he wears because I knew he'd ran out, wanted to apologise and like the smell of it :) He bought me a teddy for my birthday and I like it a lot, I still cuddle it even though we're not together and will continue to do so as I like the gesture. That being said, I don't expect to go out to the cinema and have everything paid for. Me and my ex actually had a fight as to who would pay last time we went, it was quite comical, but it was because we both wanted to pay. There's also an idea called HALFING the bill. I'd like to pay now and again, and they can, or we half it, it's called give and take. I couldn't be with someone who'd pay for everything and buy me things all the time as I don't believe that's right and I'd feel like I constantly owed them something, even if they didn't make me feel that way. I naturally give more than I take, which can sometimes lead users to me, but at the same time i'm not stupid and i'm not going to be taken for a fool by someone who wants to be dating money.

Just a few things to think about, Money can't buy you love (Thankyou, The Beatles) and you can't have amazing sex with money, yes, you can buy a whore, but it's not going to be fuelled with the passion and desire that comes from real feelings like lust and love.
I think the pursuit of materialistic relations is a slippery slope and you'll be left high and dry one day with nothing to show for it except a rusty peice of jewellry or a handful of cinema stubs that you didn't pay for.

Wake up and look at the bigger picture - it's actually much prettier than you might first think :)

Being Jealous or being Cautious?

So, i'm starting to wonder about people who are 'jealous' around their partners. Firstly, from a completely superficial point of view it's easy to think what the hell, I don't understand why you're kicking off? But when you dig deeper it's easy to realise that there's reasons for these feelings, be it someones own insecurity (which is always a bummer for their partner) or because of how their partner is.

Now, cheating is completely different to flirting, and where as flirting may not be a nice thing to witness or hear of, it's not that bad really, is it? I'd rather hear that someone I was with was flirting with someone else at a party, than they actually thought bugger this, went the whole hog and slept with them, kinda thing. Anyway, I wouldn't call myself a jealous person at all, as I'm not. I won't go off on one for no good reason and even if I sometimes get a bit 'hmm' towards a situation, I won't go and cause a scene because most of the time it's because you think someones treading on your territory, which isn't nice but most of the time it's not justified and you're just going to make yourself look stupid when you cause a big scene in front of people, or even when it's just you two.

The problem with being laid back towards things is when you feel the need to say something or even kick off, you get called jealous and ridiculous, and you're stood there feeling stupid thinking do you know just how many people would of busted your balls about a month ago for this? Give me a fucking break. So, back to the point, there are many reasons for people's jealousy, as i've experienced anyway. The most possesive boyfriend I ever had slept with my best mate behind my back and i'm pretty sure he had a fling with a girl at his college, so his jealous, possesive nature was due to him judging me by his own actions and standards. He thought it was easy enough for him to do it, so I was more than likely doing it too. Power played a big part in that too, deciding who I spoke to and other such things, and even pettier, knowing he had the power to cheat and I didn't. Anyway, then there's the insecure reason, where they attack anyone who even comes near their partner because they're scared their partner will run off with the other person purely because they feel inadequate in comparison, which is silly.
If someone decides to be in a relationship with you, then clearly they want to be with you, right? And if they cheat then it's more fool them because they get that bad press and look stupid and you can just kick their ass to the curb faster than they can say 'Sorry, I slipped..'

Now, I would say I have my insecurities, and I've occasionally shared them with my close friend, or even a partner if they asked but I don't let them control my life, in the sense that if another female is prettier than me or slimmer, which isn't unheard of, then I won't immediately attack them and go all bitch-mode on their ass. More than likely I'll compliment them or be upfront and like 'god, you're gorgeous. bitch ¬.¬' but playfully. Unless they're conceited, then they can go suck a fuck. (Exactly how does one suck a fuck?)

However, that being said, I don't think it's appropriate for my partner to tell me how hot other people are, even if it is a beautiful nude model with a perfect body and face that majority of people find aesthetically pleasing. I understand she's beautiful, I can see that. I know she has small but firm boobs, a perfect ass and a face that oozes sex appeal, but I don't need you to tell me this at every given oppurtunity because you should at least be saying these nice things to me once in a while, if not more. I don't expect to be showered with compliments but it'd be nice to know you find me attractive too, you know? It's as if you're asking for me to be jealous and have a problem with it, like on the surface you're glad I don't have a problem, but deep down you want me to, so you push and push and push, until you have me so backed into a corner that I will actually turn around and maul the living shit out of you in a matter of seconds.

Just because I'm not naturally jealous, doesn't mean it can't happen you know? I'm only human, I get the red mist too, I feel threatened too and I'm not 100% secure with my body and appearance so it'd be nice if you perhaps boosted my ego, than that of a star you're never going to meet who's ego is probably the size of the USA by now. Anyway, a little defensive there, I realise this, but i'm pretty close to that corner, ya know?

Moving on, Jealousy is healthy, in small amounts, it's good to show you care every now and again by playfully showing that the other person is yours, or you're together. That's fine. I don't think people should let it rule them either, because it's a parasite. It feeds itself when you're not looking and then all of a sudden you're jealous and it won't go away. Honesty is always best, but when you word it right. Confrontation isn't the best way I've found, saying it in a calm and sometimes playful manner can be best, even if it seems to be something serious in your eyes, if you're completely honest you'll get an honest reply, and if not you'll be able to tell if they're lying. Bingo :)

It's good to show a bit of jealousy, like it's good to show a bit of passion and even sometimes anger when you're with someone romantically but I don't for a second believe that you should ever, ever push someone into an emotion, by winding them up or saying things that can possibly make them feel a bit less than excellent. Compliments are nice in moderation and it's nice to feel like the person you're with is attracted to you, and not some celebrity model that's a lightyear or two away from reality. I just don't see why fantasising over someone else is so important, do you not care for what's in front of you and that persons feelings?

Not to mention, they can make ANYONE beautiful these days, here's a great example.

As a sidenote, that tutorial there actually made me feel physically sick and generally horrified as it's ridiculous how many tweaks and turns people use. Are real people ever depicted in the media nowadays? But that's a rant for another day ;)

Spiders... Irrational fear?

So, spiders are scary, right? Wrong. Well, in my opinion anyway. I can understand some people fear different things, heights, clowns, balloons, fish, snakes, sharks.. ducks? haha. Anyway yeah, These are usually phobia's and the definition of phobia is an irrational or extreme fear of something. Now irrational is what I want to focus on here. That's one of mine to the right by the way, Jiggy my Costa Rican Zebra Tarantula. Normally a skittish, quick moving species but Jiggy will stay relatively still if you give her a stroke. Which is nice, don't you think?

Anyway, too often people tell me they hate spiders, hate snakes, why don't you get a dog? well, why should I? I have a dog, for the record. She just lives with my parents. Anyway, I don't particularly want to seem cool that I have 'strange' pets, I genuinely think they're amazing. You feed a dog, it wolfs down it's meal, slobbers and then goes to chase it's tail for an hour, which some people find adorable, and I find it quite amusing.
But if you ever take the time to watch a tarantula eat, it's amazing. It really is. They stay still (most of the time, although on occasion one of mine CHASES her food, comical) and wait for the cricket to come close enough and then BAM they've got it. Then they rearrange it so it's comfortable to eat, and stand on their tip toes and proceed to do the 'happy spider dance' which is basically where they wiggle about spreading web or sometimes just for the sake of it. They then stand there and eat, slowly, savouring every last bit. Even for someone who fears spiders it would be an amazing thing to watch, same as when they moult. It is an amazing process, and it's all these little things that make them interesting and beautiful.

You're not going to find a dog that's purple or blue and silver naturally, are you? You can with spiders. And believe me, even ones that look plain are interesting looking. If you ever look closely at Jiggy you can see each individual colouration on her legs and body, the fact she's black, with orange hairs and white stripes is pretty impressive to me. Most people think EWW BLACK HAIRY SPIDER, and that's fair enough. I'm pretty scared of Jellyfish, but not for the same reasons as most are scared of spiders. I had a horrible experience with a jellyfish when I was little, where I got a long tentacle flicked on me, and it stung me around the top of my shoulder and down my back, and this was only in wales... it hurt LIKE A BITCH. Seriously, and the other reason is because jellyfish are blind, and they just go with the flow of the ocean. Well, they don't actually. Everytime i'm sploshing about in the ocean, and there's a jellyfish it always turns direction and poofs its water out to get closer to me, I know it does. I've watched them do it. The oceans their territory, so I quietly leave. But yeah, I don't like them. But I've given them a chance since I got badly stung and they just still keep coming towards me. So i'm a bit scared of them, but i've encountered them and can easily avoid them. I just don't go into the ocean if they're about, simple. They're not going to stroll through my house causing trouble, so it's fair enough.

Anyway, some of the reasons I hear for spiders is ridiculous. Now, I know they're not fluffy and affectionate and cuddly like a puppy is, and they're not as obvious with their temperament as a cat is, but I can tell their moods. Plenty of times I've said no I can't get her out she's not in the mood, they make it pretty clear when they don't want to be handled, which is half and half. Obviously different species have different tempers but you know, you can tell when you're used to them.

I don't know why i'm writing this really, I just am of the opinion that you should give something a chance before you hate it and fear it. Fear is based on ignorance usually, so if you broaden your knowledge of something then you're more likely to feel more comfortable knowing it exists. For example, do you know that when you get an increased amount of house spiders in your house, they're looking for a mate and are usually disorientated, male and have been through hardships? I'm not trying to get you to sympathise, but I don't think you should just kill them because they've walked in the house, remove it gently. After all, they've been around before we built all our houses and buildings, so technically we're in their way.
Being a lover of spiders, I've always allowed spiders to be in my room and I can tell you I never get flies, ever. Which i'm glad, because I cannot stand their disgusting habits.

Anyway, I had a friend who was TERRIFIED of my python, and I encouraged her to just allow her to come over and introduce herself as such, she did and seconds later she had her around her neck and was stroking her, Because she knew she wouldn't harm her. More to the point, I would never put my python or tarantula near someone if I believed either of them could get hurt, that's why I'm very strict about any handling, because as much as you think you might get hurt, I know you won't and if you freak out about it then the animal could end up getting hurt. If you drop a tarantula from a certain height thats it, they're done for. I had a horrible dream that happened to one of mine actually, it was a very sad time for me. Haha :)

Anyway yeah. I think my point is, learn a bit about things that terrify you, you might be nicely surprised at what you find out. Everything can be beautiful, if you give it a chance. As a side note, I really want a Solifugae (Camel Spider, Sun Scorpion). They get such bad press and are strangely cute, and BY THE WAY, they can only bite you, no venom :) Ahh, maybe I'm just more open minded to these creatures eh ;)

Anyway, I have to dash, I have a pizza in the oven and an escaped bearded dragon walking across my room...

Instead of a rant...

I feel exactly like this right now.
No more needs saying.
If I could puff up to express myself I really would, believe it.

Also, this is one of my favourite pictures right now. Because it's just so epic.

I'm Gay, No Straight, wait... am I?

Sexuality. Isn't it fun? Well, if you can decide on one, yes. I don't understand it half the time. To me, people are people and if you are attracted to someone and they feel the same, I don't think anything should matter, especially not something like gender. Yes, it seems a bit strange to say, but why does it matter? As long as it's not directly affecting them, then why is it another persons business?

To me asking someone their sexuality is pretty stupid. I've asked people myself for my own curiousity to save embarrassing myself, as I have in turn hit on a gay man, and a straight girl and felt a bit silly. They laughed it off, so did I, while nursing a bit of a bruise to my pride, but still, I wasn't asking because it's a need-to-know thing. I was asking because I was interested, or my friend was. Whatever, digression, my first and best talent. Back to the point, I don't get why other people's sexuality should matter as much as it seems to. Granted, majority of people don't care whether your gay, straight, bisexual or like to fondle rabbits, as long as it's not their little sisters bunny Thumper. But to the ones it does matter to, why?

If I choose to sleep with girls or boys, why do you care? I don't care what, or should I say who you do, so why are you going to be up in my face about it? I'm not sleeping with you, or your mother, so back off. Anyway, defensiveness aside, I don't know what I am. If labelling is so important, then you'd have to cast me aside.

I would famously quote Morrisey and just say 'I am Sexual'. Because I am, Sexual attraction happens at the strangest of moments, sometimes it builds up and that can be fun, but it can also hit you like a punch in the face and you're like wow... i'm attracted to you. A lot. So yeah, it's a bit of a difficult one. I never really had any real experiences with girls until one night a girl followed me to bed, and not in a bad way. We talked, chilled out, she kissed me... uh oh. I was like wow... this feels right but.. you're female? Up until this point i'd never really done anything 'gay'. So it was a bit of a shock to my system, but certainly not a bad one and I can honestly say she's one of the people in my life I've cared about the most. She's always going to be special to me, more special than my first time with a boy. Which may seem mean, but it's true.

Anyway, So yes, I've had experiences with girls since then, I've also had experiences with guys. Bisexual, I guess. But I don't like that word, it has bad connotations to it. Such as being greedy, and having your cake and eating it too (a saying i've never understood, why have cake if you're not going to eat it? Dumbass) and 'bisexual' just generally gets bad press. I'd like to ask the people who say this though, have you ever had an experience which has made you question your sexuality? Have you ever considered the idea that perhaps people are attracted to people, and not gender? I know there are genuinely straight and gay people out there, but there are also the inbetween ones, and I don't think you should get slated just for your sexuality because again, what has it got to do with ANYONE other than yourself? Nothing. Nada.

I have a friend who was straight, had heterosexual relationships, she's a girl, she met another girl, they fell in love. Still together to this day. Realistically, I don't think you can comment on how someone else is without being in their situation or at least trying to empathise to a degree. I am open minded in how I think and how I treat people, i'm also rather accomadating, which isn't always a good thing for me, but you know. I don't give a flying dutchman whether you're dating a girl, sleeping with a boy, or dabbling in both pools of gender, as long as you're happy, not harming anyone and the person you're seeing is happy too. Love is a weird thing, It happens unexpectedly and it's not reserved for heterosexuality. In my experience I've found gay couples, mainly lesbian couples, have a stronger bond and last longer than the heterosexual swing-dating routine they seem to be in, but saying that I don't mean it's not or cannot be the other way round either.

But yes, Bisexual. It just means partial to ladies and gentlemen. It doesn't mean greedy, Slut or anything bad. Just like gay doesn't mean puff or dyke, and Straight doesn't mean breeder. Just stop thinking about sex and sexuality and start thinking about person and personality.

R.I.P Charlotte :(

There she is, Aww :) She was such a lovely tarantula, named Charlotte after the spider in Charlotte's Web, A lovely tempered spider. So, Today I had to face the loss of my lovely tarantula, and I understand to many, if not most, this sounds ridiculous. But you know when your childhood hamster died, it really upset you? Your world was torn apart? Nothing could replace them? Yup. That's how I feel about Charlotte. She was friendly, as far as spiders go and she had a lovely, lovely temperament. I could always say with confidence 'touch her, she won't move or attack you, promise'.
She's never gone for me, once. She even had a phantom pregnancy once, bless her :)
So she'll be missed, I genuinely mean that. Just like you'll miss nibbles, or whatever your childhood pet was (named at animal lovers).

On a lighter note, the other 5 I own are flourishing and better than ever, although My Cobalt Blue has decided she's far too beautiful for the world's eyes so has taken to webbing up her tank, which does make me giggle. Such a grumpy spider.
As I type this Pan, my male bearded dragon, is running about nomming cabbage all over the tank, stopping only to stare back at me when I look at him, haha :)

I do love animals, they do make my life a little bit more interesting. Especially watching a male bearded dragon get denied action by the female one, priceless :')

Anyway, Rest in Peace Charlotte, I'll miss you, You were a gem of a tarantula, no one could of asked for a nicer spidey :) Enjoy your webbed heaven, and look after Rose and Wellies (my two other deceased tarantulas, wellies was only a spiderling)

Perhaps they'll be a baby Chile Rose needing a home eh? The circle of life is yet to strike again :)

Bar Etiquette... FOR THE CUSTOMER!

So, I work in a bar, yes, it's not the most high class job but it's a part time thing for extra cash while at uni. And I enjoy it... Most of the time. Plenty of people can tell you I have had more than one or two rants about customers and people who come to the bar.
Now, may I point out, The bar I work in is lovely, the staff are lovely, we're all polite, trained well, good at service skills and always, ALWAYS happy to help. As a rule, we get normal customers, who are pleasant enough. But obviously, this isn't aimed at them!

So, Number one pet hate above ANYTHING is manners. Or lack thereof. I'm not smiling and being pleasant because I have to, you know? I'm also not here for you to bark your order at with severe lack of respect. It really, really annoys me when you get an arsehole who just says 'white wine'. For starters, it doesn't sound complete without a please, and also who the fuck made you king of the world? I'm not here to be treated like shit, you're rude to me i'm gonna be rude right back at you. I don't HAVE to serve you, I CAN get you kicked out, and let's face it, who they going to listen to, the wronged person who is loyal and works for them, or some drunk person who's rude? Exactly. Not that I would, but you know. It really riles me. If i'm in a mood that could rival the wrath of the god's and I manage to say please and thankyou, then why the hell can't you? You're not at work, you're not starving, seething after a big row with your boyfriend and behind on your coursework, and even if you are you're out having a good time, i'm at work. If i can get the hell over whatevers bothering me and give you an ounce of respect then you can do the same, Arsehole.

Number two is really vague orders.
"I'll have a lager please"
"A glass of wine please"
"A spirit please, with coke"
(These are genuine orders I have been told myself, by the way)

So, I understand that sometimes you may not have decided and that's fine, but you know if you want a red, white or rosé wine, you also know what spirit you drink, so why do it? I sometimes feel like with some customers they're just looking for an excuse to waste your time more than they have to, Like they get a kick out of it, and this irritates me. The worst part is when I'll come back like 'Which lager, we have three' So i'll list our lagers, tell them the percentage or a bit about them if needs be, and thats fine. For people who accept this, continue with their order and progress with their night, I thank you. You have only mildly irritated me with your vague silliness. But then, you get the Arseholes who seem annoyed you're asking them which one, and giving them choices. Well I am SO sorry for trying to get you the best drink possible, I'm sorry my service skills and manners are offending you, but your all-round pig shit impression isn't exactly tickling my fancy, either.
So, you want a lager, brilliant. If I don't give you choices and get you the one you want you'll moan. I've tried the carry on with it approach too, and started pouring our cheapest, or our most popular, and then i get 'I didn't want that one'.
SO WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU SPECIFY, OH BUDDY OF MINE?!
Seriously, make your mind up while you're waiting to be served rather than whinging you've been waiting for 2 minutes. Again, I feel compelled to say Arsehole.

My number 3 pet hate is persistent, usually drunken, men. It really annoys me when you get disgusting perverts who are just hunting for an excuse to talk to you. Is your life THAT boring? Are you THAT lonely?
I'm all for a bit of banter, it is a bar you know, it's to be expected some poor chaps going to try their luck at some point, to which you kindly decline, well, I do anyway. Usually a bit of a laugh and a joke, and then they go on their way, And i continue with my job. A bit of banter can be fun, a cheeky compliment or two, hey, i'm a girl, you wanna tell me I have pretty eyes then thankyou, that's lovely of you to say. This, however does NOT mean i'm coming home with you. At all. Not even a little bit. Now, I'm not the most subtle-looking female. By that I don't mean i'm the most drop dead gorgeous thing ever, not even close to that. But I work in a bar, I'm 5ft3 and I'm blessed/cursed with a VERY curvy feminine figure.
So you know, it's a bit hard to hide your boobs when you're an F cup, but I still try. T-shirts, covering tops, and such. I don't WANT the attention off these guys, so I won't provoke it, So with me not being sexual at all, to the best of my ability, you can at least give me the respect to not fucking talk to my chest. It won't talk back, and it's very defensive boyfriend who goes by the name of Fist will soon get involved, comprends?
Anyway, the persistent side of it. So, If i get asked for my number, to go out sometime, etc. I decline. Kindly at first, but not in a flirty playful well. I say I have a boyfriend, as I do. You'd think that that'd be the end of it? Oh no.
"It's alright dahhlin, you can 'ave two boyfriends"
Oh dear god, really? You really think that highly of me don't you? Maybe your sister, or in fact mother has shown that to you, but it is NOT right and it is certainly not anything I would dream of doing. One man's enough trouble (haha ;])
I've said i'm gay before "I'll turn ya straight"
I've said i'm not interested, which is about as subtle as a sledgehammer, and one guy, only one mind, clearly stupider than the rest, ACCUSED me of playing hard to get. Am I really? Oh yes, Silly me. You are clearly the most perfect vision of manhood I ever did see, Let me fall at your feet immediately and.... THROW THE FUCK UP.
Did you REALLY think that'd work?! Just for that I'm not even going to be polite. Two loyal words followed shortly after ;)
So yes, some girls may be playful and playing hard to get, but I make it clear i'm not, And If i came into your work and made sexual/romantic advances on you it'd surely not be tolerated, so remember i'm at work. Which is lucky, as by now i'd of broke your jaw ¬.¬

Siiiideeee nooooote!!
*So, i work in a bar, fair enough. This DOES NOT give anyone the permission to grab my arse or touch me intimately while i'm glass collecting or walking past. I *will* kick the living shit out of you. If i grabbed your cock against your will, it'd be sexual harrassment. SO BACK THE FUCK OFF*

Number four is when customers are pulling a face at the bar staff for functioning. You do realise that we are human beings, not robots? Our sole purpose is not to serve you, we need to eat, drink and cool down too, right?
Our hands get dirty, we wash them. We need a drink, we neck water quickly inbetween serving. We're starving *very common occurence on a night shift*
, we eat crisps inbetween serving, but in a hygeinic way. So why the hell are you wrinkling up your brow and glaring at me?
We don't get breaks when it's busy. It's not like your office job when you can swan off for a cig now and again, or nip to the toilet when you feel necessary. We have to put everything on hold so we can get your drinks to you. So don't be moaning at me for necking a pint of water in about ten seconds because i'm dehydrated and overheating.
Also, i'm not washing my hands for fun, i said give me one second so why the moaning and glaring? Do you WANT milk and lime combined in your vodka and coke?
I thought not. Step off, bitch!


I have quite a few pet hates and I understand I can be quite venomous, but you back a caged animal into a corner too much and it's going to maul *the fuck* out of you eventually, right? Common courtesy seems to be a thing of the past for plenty of people these days, and a simple thankyou or please seem to be like asking them to tell me an Aesops fable in perfect latin, which i'm certainly not. People in general annoy me, for simple things, stupid, unnecessary things. Most of the pet hates reside in other factors though, such as public transport, waiting in a queue, etc.

So keep your eyes peeled for my rant on using public transport *winks*

Completely Selfish Rant

So I feel a bit rubbish and decided I would vent. I also find it quite amusing that I only ever seem to write a blog when I am in a less than brilliant mood. Typical female, eh? No, not really. I just think it's more important to get bad moods off your chest than to rub good moods all over peoples faces, somehow I feel thats a bit mean.

I've been watching Bleach, not far into it but I enjoy it. Good Anime so far :) I like the Hollows in it, they're good, very mean but still semi-rational... Anyway, I digress. I think that's my most used phrase on blogs. 'I digress' I say it all the time. I just don't seem to be a big fan of linear thinking, or speaking.. or acting. Or linear anything for that matter.

So, i've been thinking about me. Yes, how selfish? But I have. I've been trying to figure out what I want from certain situations.. Like my relationship, University, etc. I really don't know. I am completely ambiguous when it comes to thinking about things that need a solid decision. One minute I want to be single, the next I don't. I've been mainly thinking about all the components I have, that make me myself I guess.

I'm stubborn when I get into certain moods, and I know i'm doing it, yet I continue.. Why? I don't know. I haven't got a single clue as to why. I just feel very 'why should I' about everything and I think no, i don't want to talk so I won't. I don't want to sort things out because it's not me who needs to apologise. Anyway, I don't know why. I also am very lazy when it comes to dealing with hassle, mainly in relationships. If one option poses less hassle I'll usually go with it. Like if breaking up is more hassle than staying together, regardless of what I actually want to do, i'll stay with them. There's probably other reasons, I don't know them. I know what they're not though. I don't NEED to be with someone, I also don't feel the need to always be someones girlfriend or to feel wanted, I think I gave up on that kind of stuff a long time ago. I also don't crave love, and I don't want it really. Some have told me this is because I'm scared of it, but i'm not. I don't think I am anyway, I'd just rather not become an extension of someone for a long time into the foreseeable future. I don't see anything wrong with that. Some people adore being in love and want to be with someone and theres fireworks, fluffy kittens and all round good feelings... but that's not for me thanks.

I don't even know why i'm writing this anymore, I seem to have lost the point and the spark. I'm recently getting very annoyed with people telling me who I am, and what I'm like. ESPECIALLY when they really, really, really don't know me. They somehow believe that they know me incredibly well, and that they know the ins and outs of me. Hence the analysing of my moods, calling me Bi Polar, saying I push people away from me who care, and all this rubbish. I just don't see why everyones an expert on other people. I do know you can be better at dealing with other peoples problems than your own, but thats most people. It's easier to make snap decisions about things when it's not directly affecting you, or your partner, or your friends. It's the same thing as making two insects fight, it's very easy to do as it's not affecting you, just something for you to observe.
I just hate it when people are really sure they know you, and they don't believe that you just can have days when you feel a bit meh, a bit grey, just generally a bit rubbish. It's highs and lows of being a functional human being. I'm not going to lie, I do sometimes brush things off when there is a bit more to it, but if I do that it's because I don't want to tell a certain person, or I don't think it's worth whining on about, or I just generally don't want to talk about me. I know that seems a little odd considering I've written a blog post about me, but you know. I find it easier to talk to no one, than to talk to one person, because I don't like talking to people. It's just me. I don't trust people enough to open up, because people ALWAYS tell other people. They can never for the life of them keep their mouth shut, even if it comes to the point where they tell their distant friend who doesn't know you, they'll still tell someone else. And excuse me, but I like my private life, private.

Another thing which winds me up beyond belief, is when your friend has to tell their boyfriend or girlfriend everything. You tell them something in complete confidence and you can bet a month's wages that they'll tell their partner. I've had experience with it a lot, but it's not a point worth raising because they'll still do it. I've found out once before because I told my best friend of the time something imtimate to me and my boyfriend of the time, she told her boyfriend and he decided it'd be funny to make a joke about it, which resulted in him nearly getting himself battered as well as me getting an earful. He wasn't fussed that I told my friend but he was under the impression I also told him ¬.¬

Another one is I was talking about stuff happening with my family, things weren't too smooth. Then her boyfriend, who I'm not going to lie, I do not like, popped up on facebook chat starting a discussion about it. Yeah, thanks, Because that's what I need isn't it. Some fool who knows nothing about anything popping up to console me in this desperate time of need. He only did it to get gossip, he's one of those, and he is desperate to know everything about everyone at all times. Anyway, I'm going too into detail, this isn't a place for me to share what irritates me on a personal level with my peers, so for that I apologise.

Anyway, I'm just venting as per. I don't expect this to be read, it's not my most articulate of blogs and certainly not one filled with substance or meaning.
And on that note, i'm going to watch more Bleach...

Everyones an expert when i'm the subject...

So, i'm apparently 'grumpy' a lot of the time. Or maybe their timing is just wrong? Anyway. I apparently have unpredictable mood swings, that are triggered by nothing and i'm always in a bad mood.

Now, if this was a person who knew me inside out and had known me for a long time, through different phases and moods, and spent varying amounts of time with me I might actually bother to acknowledge what they're saying. But it's not. It's someone who knows me through someone else, has never met me properly or spent any real time with me and also has caught me a few times online when I've been a little ticked off, to say the least.

Now, I don't know if i'm speaking for more than just myself here but I do not like speaking on MSN, full stop. I don't like online chatting to 'get to know' people or whatever. I think you get to know people at an unforced, natural pace, depending on the person and most importantly.. IN PERSON. So, incidents before this online chat, the fact that it was an online chat and the general bad timing and natural mood cycle of a rational human being apparently mean i'm bi polar.

Yep, I'm apparently bi polar. Now, if this was someone who had experience in mental disorders, or in fact just Bi polar disorder I'd be more accepting. If this was someone who even knew me a little bit more than some of my taste in movies and some of my taste in anime, I'd be more accepting.
Also, if this was someone who had the first clue about anything to do with me, or in fact the idea that if someones pissed off they are NOT going to be all sunshine, lollipops and fluffy kittens.. I'd be more accepting. My point?
STOP TALKING OUT OF YOUR FRIGGIN' ARSEHOLE MATE.

Now, I'm not dismissing that I may have something wrong with my mood cycle, or that I may be more prone to bad moods than good moods. I know i'm moody, hell if you don't know that about me then you're seriously out of the loop of vix. But in my opinion, I'm not going to jump aboard the mental disorder boat and claim to have a mental disorder based on the uneducated views of an egotistical male. Yeah, Did you guess it was a guy who said this? Well you should of. Not to be sexist but a lot of the time, I am always challenged by males who think they know everything about everything.

Now, i'm not being funny, no matter how understanding and how well researched you are, you will NEVER be able to tell me how I should be feeling when I have PMT.. alright? You are not female, you do not have periods and you sure as hell have no right to tell me how i should be feeling until you have your own vagina, complete with stomach cramps, feelings of low self worth and general shittiness. Point taken? Thankyou.

Anyway, so this uneducated, unexperienced guy tells me i'm bi polar. Because the past two times he's spoken to me on MSN, i've been in a bit of a bad mood. One because some *idiot* of a fool decided it'd be appropriate to wind me up. And another because I hadn't done my uni work. Notice both these moods could have been avoided by myself, if I had not of let things get to me, right? I know I let things get to me too much but that's how I do. Just like some people compete with anything others say, some shy away from confrontation, these are all personality traits and lacking the ability to not get wound up easily is sometimes mine.

The main reason this really irritated me is because it has apparently become a trend to have mental disorders as of late, from what I've witnessed. So you've got Bi polar disorder, okay... when did you get diagnosed? 'errm... i just knew myself'
Right. So you've diagnosed yourself with a mental disorder, do you even know what Bi polar is?
'Yeah it's mood swings'.

Wrong. That's just the tip of an iceberg, and you know nothing of how it is to be a normal, functioning human being, let alone someone dealing with an actual illness. Get off the bandwagon and stop trying to be 'cool'. If you genuinely had Bi polar disorder you *would not* update your status with it every two seconds and you certainly wouldn't tell everyone you meet within the first few seconds of talking to them.

Another point i'd like to make, is that if a female has a spine, and a brain, and also can articulate her point clearly, concisely and with no room for confusion or in fact questioning, this makes her a bitch. Or again, Bi Polar. Yeah, thanks. So because I can stick up for myself, get a goddamn education and tell you to politely remove yourself and never speak to me again, this means i'm a bitch?

I'm sorry I won't pretend to know nothing to make yourself feel better. I also apologise for not having my head stuck in the latest celebrity gossip whilst constantly planning my next shopping trip. I apologise profoundly for not being another airhead who only thinks about boys and how to please them, I'm sure that makes me a terrible person, I just don't bare thinking about.

So anyway, back to the point. I'm not going to say I have a disorder just because someones told me I have. It's not all going to click into place like their was a piece missing in my oh so pitiful life that this lovely, brilliant white knight has delivered to me by coming up with such a well informed observation.

It really pisses me off that it's 'cool' to be mentally ill, although I find that term a little harsh. I also find it ridiculous that any female with an educated opinion can be accused of such things as well as the usual frigid bitch, cow thing.. etc. And all other names girls who don't wear yo-yo knickers get. I know people who do have such conditions as Bi polar and Borderline. They didn't tell me in the first five minutes, in the first week, or even in the first few months because to them it is an aspect of them and an illness, and is treated like one. They don't make a big deal about it and expect everyone to pussy foot around them. To them, if they're being a dick, you tell them, and they get over it and have the spine to apologise for it if they were out of order.

It's the same with Dyslexia, it's been confirmed as existing and now apparently everyones dyslexic. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, I just think it's another excuse for laziness most of the time. Just learn to spell, focus on doing your work, try to improve yourself. Rather than using it as an excuse to get out of doing homeworks, or assignments. It's pathetic. We all get lazy, just accept it and stop making excuses because you're taking help away from the people who actually need it. Same applies for mental disorders. You want Bi Polar disorder to get the same name? If everyone had it, it's not a disorder. it's nature. Stop pretending as the real people who need the help and medication just get shunned.

It is NOT cool to lie about things. It does not make you cool to have Dyslexia or Bi Polar disorder. Note the word disorder. It's not funny to pretend to be mentally ill or disabled in some way just to seem more interesting. Are you really that boring? Seriously, grow up. At this rate you'll be telling me you have an imaginary friend and i'm the weird one for not being able to see him.

Remember the Emperor's New Clothes? (those who haven't, READ IT, might be a wake up call to some people)
My point exactly.

On the other hand, it doesn't make people who have such conditions uncool :)

But seriously, what's going to be the next trend, deadly diseases?
'Oh, i'm so badly done to, i'm dying, i have AIDS, therefore I can't take responsibility for any of my actions'
Grow. A. Pair.

If you're that boring, get a flippin' hobby. I hear auto-mutilation is back in fashion, quick, be the first to do it! It must be a real trend, you read it on the internetzzzzzz!
*note sarcasm*

LOLcatz fashion is wearing thin, but..

This actually made me wee a little.
This is INEFFABLY cute!
^-^

Zombies, Vampires and Ghouls, oh my!

What is with the trends in made up creatures? Like, seriously.

First it was werewolves, and that had a positive effect, we appreciated it, and then there was the lovely mixed movies, which only really played on an old idea of Vamps vs Werewolves, so you know that was alright. We didn't mind.

Then they tried to get all up in our faces with zombies, but that only had a short run so we're not getting sick to the back teeth of them, and they're comical anyway. The movies made on them are all quite similar but there's only so many shades of blue, ya know?

But lately, all I see EVERYWHERE is vampires. Vampire movies, books, calendars, merchandise, fanatics. All over the place! I swear to god there has not been a single shop I've gone in of recent that isn't trying to forcefeed twilight to me and ram it so far down my throat there's no return. I understand there are some avid fans of twilight (god knows why) but I AM NOT ONE. Nor do I wish to be. I find it quite offensive, and If i was a vampire I'd take it as a personal slap in the face, to be quite frank.

I mean, yes I understand it's a new concept on it, but vampires that twinkle?! Jesus. What next? Werewolves that burst into song right before they maul you within an inch of your life? Seriously, it's getting ridiculous.


I've been a fan of vampires since I can remember. I used to have this big dock off video player in my room which also had channels on it, and once i'd got an aerial I had channels 1-4 in my room. MASSIVE thing back then. Anyway, I used to be sneaky and watch TV late on, And I remember doing it once and watching a movie called Innocent Blood, I loved it. Every minute. Yes, it may not have been a masterpiece, but it was the first drop of my vampire lust. I was like WOW. I'd read children's stories before then but nothing was like watching a movie on them.

Anyway, it sparked my love of them, and still to this day I will go out of my way to see a vampire movie, like daybreakers. I saw that last week on monday, A good watch. I enjoyed it. Yes, not the deepest of movies and a little farfetched with the concept, but then again... vampires are a pretty much made up creature, so I should really ask myself can you call a Vampire concept farfetched? well, I did. Anyway.

I watched all of series 1 of true blood, and yes it completely deviates from the book but you know, it's TV. It's got to cut corners (badly) to get more ratings. I enjoyed it. Like Twilight, it was the romantic element, but I think it's done better. I see vampires as what they are, animalistic, lustful creatures. Their lust not only for sex, but for blood. They will do anything to get what they want, and sometimes they accidentally access their human emotions, like Lestat in Queen of the Damned. I'm not against that.

I'm just sick of this Vampire fetish everyone seems to have at the moment. It's in fashion so we'll all like them. Do the media not realise they are ruining vampires for those who adore them?
Im almost getting sick of them. Obviously I'll always love them, but for now I may need to put my vamp films away and move onto something a bit less commercial.

I hate it when things are ruined, they come into fashion somehow and then they are used and used and used again until the idea becomes sickening and yawn-worthy. Much like a tissue, once it's used it's used. There's no need to repeatedly use it until it becomes holey, fraying all over and quite frankly obsolete.

My main message? Get a new tissue.

Side Note..!!

Some of my favourite Vampire movies of all time!!


From Dusk til Dawn - I just love the idea, and how quickly the movie takes a turn. Yes, it's silly. Yes, the effects aren't brilliant. Yes, it gets rather strange, rather quickly, but I don't care. I love it. Blood, Sexy women, Violence, Witty sarcasm, All out Gore. Not to mention a fucking excellent soundtrack. Win.

Let the right one in - A swedish movie, even if you are a hater of subtitles you need to bite the bullet and watch this movie, otherwise you are massively missing out. A beautiful story of being an outcast and fitting in, not the most conventional story of romance, nor the most in your face vampire flick, but a beautifully constructed piece of cinema. Go see it, NOW!

Queen of the Damned - The acclaimed sequel to ''Interview with the vampire'', another fave of mine. Lestat is cast perfectly, I personally think he's beautiful and very vampire-ish. Focuses on vampires going mainstream but only a little bit, before it became the crucial theme in these modern vamp films. Vicious elements, also shows different sides to vamps. And not to mention the singing voice for Lestat is no other than Johnathon Davis, From my favourite band Korn. Can't go wrong :)

Innocent Blood - Beautifully interesting lead vampire, with an interesting twist on sucking the life force out of us worthless humans ;) And of course, this movie started my fascination with vamp's on the silver screen (read above in main blog). Shows a slight morality between some vamps and also slight mercy, not always though ;)